Online Dating and its Discontents
Online dating is based on a simple yet appealing formula: high potential for low risk. You are being offered the opportunity to check out a seemingly infinite pool of people from a secure, low exposure position. While this model is highly seductive, its premise is not intrinsically flawed. After all, real people are on it. You for one are on it and you know that your intentions, hopes and qualities are real. How can we best tap the potential of online dating without getting frustrated, disillusioned or numb?
Online dating undoubtedly has its benefits. If you are reserved, approaching attractive people online can be considerably less daunting.
According to Pablo, “The armor of a screen can certainly soften the blow of rejection. Additionally, since many dating apps only allow you to chat with people who swipe right on you also, you know that they already find you attractive.” Another benefit of online dating is that you can more easily hone-in on people who share common interests or values. In the prelude to meeting for a date you can ask questions about political beliefs, religion, hobbies, or relationship intentions to further ensure that you are a compatible match before investing significant time or energy.
Although many people have successfully met their partners online, the road to finding a good match can be arduous and time-consuming. Juliet has been on “the apps” for three years and estimates that she spends at least an hour a day on them. “The apps are a big time-suck to be honest,” she laments. “I usually have multiple boring go-nowhere conversations going at once but I feel compelled to invest time on them in case one of them works out. I also feel like I need to keep on swiping or else I’ll miss out on my person. It’s a chore, to be honest.” Sarah, who is looking for a committed partnership, feels burnt out on dating due to the repetitious and sometimes threatening nature of the apps. “Sometimes I’ll be talking to someone and it’ll be going well but then it’ll take an unwanted sexual turn which can be, frankly, very upsetting. I feel like some people might equate being on the apps with wanting no-strings-attached sex.”
Josh, who is newly single after being broken up with by his longterm partner, finds that he uses the apps as a “cheap thrill” and to get validation. “When I’m lonely I’ll find myself swiping and chatting with people. It’s a good way to feel like at least someone finds me attractive.” He’s met people in person from the apps and has been sexually intimate with them but often leaves these encounters feeling empty. “While it might be exciting at first, waking up in the morning next to someone you don’t love gets old quick.”
Juliet, Sarah and Josh’s stories illustrate only some of the downsides of finding love in the swiping age — some of which you might relate to. “Swiper’s fatigue” is a recently-coined phenomenon that entails feeling burnt out or hopeless about love due to the repetitive, and time-consuming nature of online dating. Although distressing, swiper’s fatigue can be remedied by becoming more intentional in one’s approach to online dating as well as processing your emotions and experiences with a therapist. Read below for more tips to counteract the common pitfalls of online dating.
Become Clear on Why and How You’re Using the Apps
The hit of dopamine when you match with someone new is part of what makes apps so alluring. Do you, like Josh, find that when you’re lonely, bored, sad, or stressed you mindlessly swipe, in search of that thrill of the match? If so, you may be using the apps to numb uncomfortable emotions. When used in this capacity, apps can be a “cheap thrill” that quickly devolve into an empty time-suck. If you suspect that you’re using the apps to fill a void or quell uncomfortable emotions, therapy can help you to address and process the emotions that compel mindless swiping.
Set Limits on Your Time
You may fear that if you don’t keep swiping or tending to conversations with your matches that you’ll miss out on your perfect partner. Feeling compelled to swipe in order to find success in your dating life quickly turns apps into a veritable part-time job that can detract from other meaningful areas of your life. Setting a hard limit (e.g., 30 minutes) on the amount of time per day spent on apps can prevent you from becoming burnt out. If you find it difficult to adhere to this limit, therapy can help you unpack your motivations for using dating apps excessively.
In addition to limiting the amount of time spent swiping or communicating with potential matches, it can be important to set limits on the amount of people you meet offline. Sarah, for instance, says yes to dates with too many people due to the belief that “dating is a numbers game.” By the end of the week she finds herself burnt out, exhausted, and often disappointed. Being more intentional about building a connection prior to saying yes to a date can prevent dating overload.
Don’t Give Up on the Old-Fashioned Way
According to Juliet “On the weekends I get lazy and just want to stay in and watch Netflix. While I should be out meeting people, apps give me a way to stay at home and meet people.” While apps are undoubtedly convenient, some people may focus too exclusively on the apps and give up on finding events in real life where they might meet people with similar interests. If you find yourself staying home and using online apps as a substitute for meeting people in real life, try to attend at least one event a month that’s related to your interests. Book readings, classes, concerts, intramural sports leagues, trivia nights, or hiking/biking meet-ups can provide you with an outlet for your interests as well as a way to meet new people.
At Vienna Praxis we work with individuals who are navigating dating experiences including dating app burnout. If you are interested in a 15 minute free phone consultation to see if one of our clinicians would be a good match for you, please contact us.