Sex Therapy

Sex means different things to different people. Some people have a high libido and require regular sexual intimacy whereas others have a lower sex drive and may feel content spending a romantic date night watching a movie and cuddling. Some of us are sexually curious and enjoy exploring various kinks and fantasies whereas others are most comfortable with traditional sexual activities. Whereas some people require desire and passion in order to feel connected and alive in their relationship, others value companionship/shared interests and can live without a fiery eros. While there is no “normal” amount of sex a couple should be having, conflicts and dissatisfaction arise when partners are misaligned regarding what their ideal sex life should look like.

What are some common sexual conflicts and issues?

A common sexual conflict occurs when one partner’s libido wanes while the other partner’s libido remains high. In such case, resentment and distance may grow as one partner repeatedly feels rejected and the other repeatedly feels pressured or obligated to have sex. Reasons for a lowered libido can range from the physiological (e.g. hormones, medical disease, recent childbirth) to the psychological (e.g., stress, anxiety, depression, trauma) to issues in the relationship dynamic itself (e.g. resentment, anger, emotional distance, lack of physical attraction)

In other cases, both partners may lose their sexual desire over time and end up feeling more like roommates or family managers than lovers. While some couples can happily live with limited sex, others may feel dissatisfied with their “dead bedroom” and feel pessimistic about bringing the spark back. In such cases, one or both partners may feel unfulfilled and fantasize about other people or even resort to affairs.

Another sexual conflict that may occur between partners is when one partner wants to explore certain kinks that the other is not comfortable with. Perhaps one partner is more traditional in their sexual appetites while the other is becoming increasingly interested in finding an outlet for their fantasies. Or perhaps both partners are sexually adventurous but are incompatible when it comes to certain important kinks (e.g., both partners prefer to be dominant). A lack of kink compatibility can become a point of contention and rift in a relationship if not properly addressed.

The above dynamics are just a few sexual conflicts that can emerge in relationships. Even if you are not partnered, you may also experience troubling sexual issues that you want to address in a supportive environment. Perhaps you have trouble achieving arousal or orgasm or experience panic/trauma responses during sex. Perhaps you’ve experienced shame or humiliation during past sexual encounters and and now struggle with a lack of confidence in the bedroom. Individual therapy can help you to address a variety of issues hindering you from enjoying the happy, healthy sex life you desire.

Some common sexual issues and conflicts that can be treated in individual therapy are:

  • General lack of interest in sex

  • Lack of sexual attraction to one’s partner

  • Difficulty achieving arousal and orgasm

  • Trauma responses during sexual activity

  • Loss of passion in a relationship/”dead bedroom”

  • Lack of sexual confidence

  • Distress regarding you are your partner’s kinks and fetishes/kink incompatibility

  • Sexual addiction

What are common sexual issues that can be addressed in therapy?

How can therapy help?

If you are currently in couples therapy or thinking about it, individual therapy can be an important supplement that gives you a space to privately discuss concerns about sex and sexuality. Addressing sexual issues or conflicts in your partnership can be a delicate matter, and therapy can help you to determine the best way to address these issues with your partner.

For instance, Erica came to therapy because her libido dropped since having a child and it was causing stress in her relationship. Although Erica and her husband are not in couples therapy, Erica wanted a place to discuss her feelings about sex and her relationship more privately. Through therapy Erica was able to acknowledge that her loss of interest in sex was partly rooted in resentment towards her husband for not pulling his weight around the house. Erica was also able to determine the best way to communicate these issues to her husband so that they could work together to make change.

As illustrated above with Erica, many times there is an emotional or relational cause at the crux of sexual issues. Through therapy you will address the root causes of your sexual conflicts and be able to make change from a place of greater mindfulness and intention.