Navigating Infidelity
For individuals in a committed partnership, infidelity can have a cataclysmic impact on their relationship. While infidelity may be an automatic death knell in some relationships, others recover and even grow stronger in the aftermath of an isolated incident of cheating or an affair.
People react to infidelity in different ways and have individual limits regarding what behaviors constitute a betrayal. For instance, some may be able to forgive a drunken kiss whereas others may be unable to recover their sense of trust after such a slip-up. Some may be able to forgive a sexual affair whereas, for others, an emotional affair may be harder to overcome. Others may feel the opposite way.
Since each person has their unique boundaries in a relationship (often informed by past experiences, attachment style, and personal values), there is no “correct” way to feel about or react to infidelity. For example, Anna’s husband Theo kissed a colleague on a business trip. He called her right after it happened and apologized profusely for his indiscretion. Many of Anna’s friends and family have been urging her to “forgive and forget” since it was “only a kiss” and her husband was forthcoming and apologetic. While Anna’s relationship with her husband is certainly salvageable, Anna’s past experiences may make it difficult to “forgive and forget.”
Considering Anna’s past relationship experience (in childhood or as an adult), her husband’s behavior might have activated core beliefs that she can’t trust other people or that she’s unlovable/undesirable. Perhaps Anna had been cheated on in previous relationships and her husband knew how negatively impacted she was by those betrayals. Due to a combination of one’s individual attachment style and certain contextual factors, “only a kiss” may be more difficult for Anna to overcome than it is for others.
Theo, meanwhile, may feel helpless and powerless as Anna determines how she wants to proceed. He may feel frustrated that Anna is taking a meaningless, momentary lapse of judgment so seriously when she is the one he truly loves. He may wish that things could immediately go back to the way they were and feel inpatient and guilty.
If you, like Anna, have discovered that your partner has been unfaithful, you may feel pressure to stay together and “forgive and forget” regardless of how you truly feel. Conversely, you may also have a chorus of voices urging you to dump your partner when you may not be ready or willing to do so. If your partner is interested in reconciliation, you may feel highly conflicted about what to do next.
If you have been unfaithful to your partner, you likely had a variety of motivations for straying. If you regard your infidelity as a mistake and want to repair your relationship, you may feel like you have little to no agency in determining the fate of your relationship. You may feel ineffectual in atoning for what you did and feel ashamed and ostracized.
You are currently navigating infidelity as the partner who was cheated on: It is important to become clear on how you truly feel and determine what your limits and needs are in this relationship. You may feel pressure to forgive your partner and suppress your feelings for the sake of keeping your relationship/family together. Or perhaps you have found yourself in a position of “forgiving” a partner for cheating because you are not ready to let the relationship go or feel like you won’t be able to find another partner. Individual therapy can help you to acknowledge and express your true feelings, wishes, and fears about your relationship and determine what your needs are. From a place of greater clarity, you will be better able to determine how to proceed. If you and your partner are committed to repairing your relationship and addressing the root issues that led to infidelity, couples therapy will be indispensable in the healing process.
You are currently navigating infidelity as the partner who cheated: If you are committed to making your relationship work with your partner and regret your infidelity, you may have been driven to cheat due to a variety of both conscious and unconscious factors. Oftentimes when certain needs or desires are not getting met in our own relationship (e.g., lust/passion, validation of desirability) we may search for them in outside sources. Through individual therapy you will gain greater insight into your reasons for straying from your partner and determine how to best repair your relationship. Couples therapy can additionally help you and your partner to acknowledge and remedy these core issues so that you can build a stronger relationship. If your partner is not willing your relationship, individual therapy can help you to mourn your relationship and determine how best to move forward.
At Vienna Praxis we work with individuals who are navigating infidelity in their relationship. If you are interested in a 15 minute free phone consultation to see if one of our clinicians would be a good match for you, please contact us.