Guilt, Shame, and the Working Mom
Many new mothers worry about how their absence during the work day will impact their child developmentally, psychologically or interpersonally.
Eliza is a first-time mother to an eleven-week-old infant. Soon her maternity leave will end and she has been experiencing intense feelings of guilt and dread about returning to work. Eliza fears that her child will experience her absence as an abandonment and suffer detrimental effects such as an insecure attachment style. She laments, “There’s so much guilt I didn’t anticipate - what if my baby gets more attached to her nanny than me? What if my leaving damages her irreparably?”
Although Inez is eagerly anticipating going back to work, underlying her excitement are feelings of guilt and shame. She wonders, “Is it weird that I’m so excited about going back? Does that mean I’m a bad mother? I feel like I should want to be at home with my kid all the time.”
Eliza and Inez’s experiences encapsulate some of the multitudinous thoughts and emotions that returning to work after maternity leave can elicit. Common to both of these women’s experiences are feelings of guilt and shame — guilt about leaving one’s baby and shame about being a bad mother. In a culture that extols the virtues of “intensive mothering” defined as “child-centered, expert-guided, emotionally absorbing, labor-intensive, and financially expensive,” women may feel particular pressured to live up to unrealistic societal standards of ideal motherhood. Whether a woman is going back to work due to necessity or preference, feelings of guilt and shame for falling short of this ideal can make the transition back to work a challenging one.
Here are some tips for managing the feelings of guilt and shame that may arise during this time.
Know the Facts
Many new mothers may worry about how their absence during the work day will impact their infant developmentally or interpersonally. You can breathe a sigh of relief, because the research shows that being a working mother does not impact the strength of the mother-child bond. A large-scale international study of over 100,000 men and women found that adults who were raised by working mothers were equally as happy as adults raised by stay-at-home mothers (McGinn et al., 2018). As long as you’re engaged and responsive during the time that you do spend with your child, your bond will thrive. Although seeing your baby attach to another caregiver such as a nanny may be difficult, research shows that bonding with more than one caregiver can be quite beneficial for your baby (van IJzendoorn, 1994). Creating some consistent “mom only” activities with your baby such as a nighttime routine can help preserve your special bond.
Accept Being “Good Enough”
Although mothers may strive to live up to the archetypal “ideal mother,” being too perfect may not necessarily be a good thing for your child.The psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott famously proposed that in order to ensure optimal child development a mother needs to be “good enough” and not perfect or overly-attuned. Although we might fear that we’re damaging our children by not always being available, the right amount of distance can help foster your child’s sense of autonomy. When you find yourself feeling like a “bad mother” for returning to work or wanting some space from your child just remember that “good enough” is the key to success.
Foster Self-Compassion
Would you think a friend was a bad mother for going back to work? Most likely your answer is no. Oftentimes we have an easier time finding compassion for others in situations we beat ourselves up for. Self-compassion entails treating yourself with the kindness and understanding you would offer to a dear friend. When you find yourself being hard on yourself, ask yourself “Would I say this to a friend?” If the answer is no, try to offer yourself the same understanding and kindness you would give to someone else in your position.
You Are Not Alone
According to the U.S Bureau of Labor Statistics, 71.2% of women with children under age 18 work. Although guilt and shame about being a bad mother can feel very isolating, just remember you are not alone in navigating the challenges of balancing motherhood and career. A key component of developing self-compassion is realizing that suffering is universal and that your struggles make you human, not defective.
Talk About It
As previously mentioned, shame and guilt are isolating feelings that may lead to withdrawal from others. Fears of being judged (e.g. “What if they think I’m a bad mother too?”) can prevent us from reaching out to others in times when we most need to feel connected. Giving voice to your feelings and fears with a supportive other such as a therapist can help transcend the isolation of guilt and shame.
At Vienna Praxis we work with new moms and mothers-to-be by helping them to work through their entangled feelings about their professional and maternal roles.
If you are interested in a 15 minute free phone consultation to see if one of our clinicians would be a good match for you, please contact us.