Am I Dating a Narcissist?
Being in a relationship with someone who exhibits narcissistic traits can be painful, exhausting, and invalidating. You may feel lonely. You may worry that there’s something wrong with you for attracting and being with somebody so self-involved.
Maybe your partner is self-centered and doesn’t show enough curiosity about you and about others in your lives. Perhaps you’ve noticed that they vacillate between acting grandiose and feeling inadequate. Maybe you’ve read up on the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder and can vouch that, as many theories claim, your partner felt emotionally neglected in childhood and had to rely on themselves to fulfill their emotional needs. It’s no wonder they’re sometimes so wrapped up in their own dramas they leave no room for you to be more than a sounding board for their own accolades or insecurities.
You might feel defensive about your partner in front of friends and family. It’s not that you don’t see their flaws. In fact, you’ve spent more time, energy, and agony than you’d like to admit trying to understand what is going on with them. Perhaps even more energy than you’ve spent looking into your own experience of the relationship—but we’ll come back to that.
On the other hand, when things are good between you, it’s a great high. You feel special, chosen, electrified – that you’re the only one who can really understand this person. It might be painful to imagine leaving them. Perhaps you fear you’d be replaced instantaneously – or you worry that you’d be consigning them to a life alone. You’re so accustomed to taking care of them emotionally that you can’t fathom causing them pain.
A school of thought within psychology considers narcissism as existing on a continuum. In this model, a certain degree of self-absorption is a vital aspect of emotional health. The psychologist Michael Kinsey outlines the eleven attributes of “healthy narcissism,” which include being aware of your emotions, empathizing with others but prioritizing yourself, and tolerating others’ disapproval. Being partnered with someone whose narcissism feels toxic is very difficult. But the spectrum model offers an opportunity to reflect on the “health” of your own narcissism as well. How adept do you feel at prioritizing yourself when you need to? In what ways might you find it easier to accommodate your partner’s needs—even while criticizing them—than to listen to your own? What could help you begin?
One way is to try coming closer to your own suffering. Offer yourself some compassion and curiosity about your experience. How have you been feeling in the relationship? Why do you think you’re driven to stay? How do you react internally when you’re unhappy with your partner? And how do you actually behave toward them? Both couples and individual therapy can offer fruitful frameworks for asking these questions, but whether you enter into it together or individually, this process will entail a journey within. You may end up in a different place than you expect.
The clinicians at Vienna Praxis are very experienced relationship counselors and will help you work through your doubts and hopes. If you are interested in a 15 minute free phone consultation to see if this would be a good match for you, please contact us.