Improve your relationships by learning about secure Attachment Styles
You might notice that some people around you have an easier time asking their friends for favors, setting boundaries with coworkers, and letting their romantic partners know when they are hurt or upset. In other words, you might notice that some can request for their needs to be met while others find this to be an incredibly difficult task. In order to ask for our needs to be met, internally we need to have a solid sense of safety and security.
We can begin to understand these individual differences by looking towards Attachment Theory by John Bowlby. Attachment theory helps explain the role of relationships and bonding between people. As attachment theory outlines, the formation of relationships begins with the bond between a primary caregiver and child. From birth, babies need at least one primary caregiver to feed them, bathe them, and attend to their physiological and emotional needs in order to survive. Therefore, bonding becomes a crucial element between the caregiver and baby. When a caregiver attends to a babies’ needs in a reliable and dependable manner, the baby receives signals that they will be taken care of.
Secure Attachment Patterns
When a baby can trust that they will be taken care of, an infant can begin to feel safe and secure. All it takes is at least one reliable, dependable, and consistent caregiver. When a baby has this, they are more likely to develop secure attachment patterns. Babies with a secure attachment pattern can begin to internalize the idea that adults are dependable and trustworthy.
Two key features of a secure attachment pattern are:
Safe Haven: The child has a tendency to return to the attachment figure for comfort and safety when they are fearful.
Secure Base: The child’s propensity to explore and play in the surrounding environment while trusting that the attachment figure will remind nearby and protect the child if a threat were to arise.
When a child grows up with the internalized notion of a safe haven and a secure base, the child can feel more relaxed and playful in their daily lives. Secure attachment patterns begin in infancy and act as a blueprint for relationships that develop in teen and adult years. Secure attachment patterns can influence an adult's approach to friendships, co-working relationships, and romantic partners.
Insecure Attachment Patterns
When a caregiver is under immense stress or severely lacks proper social supports, it can be very difficult for them to show up for their infant in a dependable and consistent manner. Over time, if an infant experiences an unpredictable caregiver, they are more likely to develop an insecure attachment pattern.
An insecurely attached child does not experience safety and security in the same way. At times, they might question if their essential needs will be met. They often cannot explore and play in the same way a securely attached child can. The child will have to remain on alert since they do not have the same safe haven or secure base.
Can this ever change?
When a child grows up developing an insecure attachment pattern, it does not mean all hope is lost. Research suggests strong evidence supporting that change is possible. Research strongly supports that therapy and other emotional supports can help adults break from insecure patterns of attachment. An adult can become more aware of and process their insecure attachment patterns in a way that will facilitate change.
Through reflection, motivation and with expert help, an adult can begin to make more of a conscious choice on how they want to approach their relationships. The term “earned-secure” attachment describes individuals that overcame difficult and adverse caregiver experiences. Adults that have earned-secure attachment patterns experienced healing through new experiences. A caring therapist, dependable friend, a trustworthy boss, or reliable romantic partner all have the potential to heal and override existing patterns from childhood. Childhood wounds can heal and mend in a way that shifts the individual’s attachment patterns in order to give them the ability to approach relationships in a new way.
Dr. Lorena Lopez-Tobia
The clinicians at Vienna Praxis are experts at helping high powered professionals address their inner struggle and help them find renewed strength to make more confident decisions in life. If you are interested in a 15 minute free phone consultation to see if this would be a good match for you, please contact us.